Designer Babies Are Teenagers Now—and Some of Them Need Therapy Because of It

In these families, achievement is highly valued. I think the way these children are born sends the message: “You’re not good enough. You need to achieve. You’re not accepted.”

This is especially devastating when children are struggling. Some children are born prematurely with disabilities, which used to be a risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.

Sometimes parents choose an egg donor who later discovers she has mental problems. The child then sees it through this lens, which can be quite damaging and traumatic: “Your donor was crazy, so you must be crazy too.”

The child is growing up feeling very different, knowing he is a guinea pig, but not receiving the proper support or acceptance he needs to grow. Because no caregiver is going to say, “I understand you.” None of that.

In my work, I help parents accept: This is your child. I help children accept the reality of their parents, build a less hurtful relationship, or build a life without their parents.

Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes just explaining that “you and your child are not the same person” can solve the problem. In other words, teenagers don’t feel loved. I may need to clarify to them that “love” is not a tangible feeling, such as being pinched or kicked. It means someone likes you the same way you like Lego or drones.

In high school, many teens use 23andMe to connect with half-siblings, sometimes even those who live across the world. It is common among these families to choose different egg donors for different children as they try to have an athletic son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children finds and bonds with a half-sibling, but your other child doesn’t get along well with their new relative? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?

I really feel for moms. They try to balance everyone’s expectations and bring it together. But it’s also unfair to dads. Because I’m not sure dads can accurately predict human behavior. They might be able to predict stocks, but there are too many variables in human behavior. I don’t know if anyone makes sure parents understand they can’t test drive their kids and then return them.

Trying to control your child will only lead to disaster. The child is rebelling. If you have a preconceived idea of ​​how they’re going to turn out, you’re either going to be terribly disappointed, or you’re going to shoehorn them into a mold and it’s not going to work.

Maybe sometimes it does work, but those people don’t come to me.

—As told by Amy Nitfield